"Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do."
Part 3: “A Gentle and Quiet Spirit in Me?”
Rodney Dangerfield, the late comedian famous for his “no respect” one-liners once said, “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
Happiness in a marriage is usually a choice. Either we choose to love and respect or we end up miserable.
Most things that make my husband feel disrespected I can easily change. I never would have imagined these things. They run counter to my nature.
For instance, if a wife bellyaches about how little their dental insurance covers, the husband hears, “You loser, why don’t you have a job with better benefits? You will never make me happy, no matter how hard you try. You just don’t live up to my expectations.” WOW! I never dreamt husbands interpreted our comments through their bridegroom ears as such. I was shocked and saddened. How could I not make it a priority to know my husband?
Some of the things that make him feel respected seemed more difficult for me if not nearly impossible. I took my husband’s need for respect to the Lord and asked Him to help me value my husband with His heart. Amazingly, it seems more and more I can give my husband the exact things that he needs from me. I cannot take credit; it is a work of the Lord in my heart.
So what does my hubby find respectful?
• Agreement, as in being on the same team.
• Encouragement, as in verbal affirmations.
• Empathy, as in knowing (including understanding) and loving him inside out.
I remember many years ago when I read Nancy Missler’s book “Why Should I Be the First to Change?” and now I have finally come to understand exactly what she meant. The mystery reveals itself through experience.
Why should you be the first to change? Because if you are a woman craving loving affection, in most cases (there are exceptions to this rule) you will only get it when you comprehend your husband’s views on respect and seek to honor them. “Rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God..” 1 Peter 3:4 NKJV
This gentle and quiet spirit means you are meek and peaceable. Meekness is not weakness, but rather a type of strength, because you are submitted to God’s will. It is a type of humility because you have faith that God is in control, He is our Providence. However, just because God is in control, is not an excuse for lack of action on our part. In the Bible, when wives are told to respect, it is a verb, an action.
As mothers, we will go out of our way to be familiar with our children. Our husbands need that same type of commitment to identify with their needs and seek to understand them. A list of simple questions about respect and disrespect that I emailed my husband has been one of the foundation stones that is rebuilding my marriage to the place that I am a happy, adoring wife, who genuinely feels loved.
If you do not feel loved by your husband, I challenge you today to pray about asking your husband to explain to you what he envisions when he thinks of you respecting him. Find out what things would make him feel valued by you. Seek out which things cause him to feel disrespect too. Your husband will be giving you much the same as a Snap-On tool chest full of his favorite tools with his answers. You are now ready to rebuild his engine, this time with quality parts and a lifetime guarantee!
Please join us soon for Part 4!
(The Dance of Romance: Love and Respect in Marriage is a multi-part series sharing the challenging lessons I am learning about marriage, respect, love, and romance. My heart's prayer is the Lord may be glorified in my marriage and yours too!)
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13 Wonderful Comments or Leave Your Own Here:
Wow Julianne,
This article ROCKS. How would you feel about offering at SUM? I would like to post it with you as a guest writer.
Perhaps in a couple of weeks. Please pray about it and let me know. Thank you.
So well written. Thank you.
Once again I appreciate your devotions. I so appreciate how you described meekness ! I am so glad you came along my friend and....
my Southern friend I have something for you on my blog. [0= Come and see. ((hugs))
God Bless my SSiC
In Him<><
-Mary
I am somehow missing something. Are you moving more up North or are you already moved ? Where if you are.
God Bless my SSiC
In HIm<><
-Mary
I like how you mention that you have to learn your husband. There's not a formula for encouraging husbands. Each man is different. So, each wife will be effective by doing different things.
I am so sorry you are over whelmed. I think you need to get cbox or post things on HSB so I can comment there unless you want me to keep commenting here. Let me know. [0=
God Bless
In Him<><
-Mary
To clarify for everybody. My husband just told me that instead of moving in a month, that his employer just told him to take off next week to come and get us.
So he will fly in Friday night to start loading us up to move. And I am not ready, as in we have not packed much yet, because we thought we had time. And I am still wrapping up things for my employer here. YIKES! Please pray for us that things go smoothly. I know God is in control, so this will be all good!
Love and blessings to all!
Lynn: Thank you for dropping by. That was quite the compliment, thank you! I would be blessed to share the post on your site. Your site is such a sweet blessing in the lives of many!
Mary: You always bless me with encouragement. You are so precious and I thank you so much for the award you presented to me this day. Sending you a hug sis!
Sarah: Thank you for dropping by! I fully agree with you. I read so many "marriage" books. There is stuff to be gleaned from them, but it really comes down to KNOWING your husband in his own created uniqueness and learning how to come alongside him as his helper, best friend, lover, cheerleader, etc. Most husbands do not volunteer the info to their wives on what would make them feel respected and valued. We have to seek it from them!
Blessings to all of you and yours!!!
So true, respect is the key. For my hubby, one of the things that is important to him is having a meal ready at night. Sounds pretty simple, right? But many times I'm off and running so it can be tough or I haven't planned it out - I'm a planner but not very good when it comes to meal planning. And his varied work schedule doesn't make it easy to find meals that keep well in the fridge and re-heat.
So thanks for this reminder of searching out what makes our husband's tick. His ticker is quite differnt than mine. But then as Billy and Ruth Graham used to say, "If a husband and wife were exactly the same, one wouldn't be necessary!" God knows each of us need to work at our marriage relationship. (Oh yeah, keeping on top of having toliet paper and paper towels on hand is a big one - yikes - I usually run out of one or the other) Ultimately it's for God's glory and our benefit, isn't it? I think that was what helped me overcome issues when we hit a rough time a few years back: God wasn't getting the glory and at the time I was too blind to see it. I'm glad God's been opening my eyes, teaching me. I still have a way to go...
P.S. Thanks for your comment on my site and I am praying for your move. God knows the timing in all this and will be with you and your dear family, even when it's difficult.
hi there! newsletter is finished but now the Directory calls to be done by Aug.30...
I'm so glad to be reading about your marriage!! I love the way you write, it really really speaks to me. What were the questions.. and I'm sure I will have the same thoughts. What a great testimony, I'm SO glad you are writing about it!
MOVING: Let me know if you want to meet off I-10 on your way through :D
hugs
Denise
Susan: Thanks for dropping by and commenting. I appreciate that you can relate to searching out our hubbies and oh can I relate to what you said about mealtime. Honestly, I do not like cooking either, but I can tolerate it for his sake. I enjoy baking or cooking goodies or an occasional meal, but not the daily cooking. LOL! Yet, I also know he does not like driving for almost an hour everyday in traffic (each way) to provide our living. Honestly, when I am whining in my mind about some “duty” I have around our home, I either remind myself of all the sacrifices Steve makes as well, put on praise music, or start praying to the Lord to help me stop whining and start thanking Him for all He has done.
Denise: I am not sure what the hubby’s plans are now on the route. I think he is planning to take a Northern route, but not sure. I just know I will follow behind the moving truck! As for the questions, I think that is a great idea…to post some of the questions I asked my hubby. Just to get wives’ minds in gear on ideas of what to ask. Some of the questions my husband answered via email and some he answered face to face. The ones he answered for me I actually printed out and put in my daily planner. It is a “gentle” reminder to me of NEEDS I want to meet.
Blessings to both of you and your families!
Well, I want to know if you stop off and fix the blue shark!!!
Great post and series! Most excellent
I love you
gb
Today as I was sitting outside in the hundred degree temperatures with the humidity higher than usual..I thought of you and the work a head, packing and boxing your belongings, as well as sending off materials back to your former employers. The rush of excitement to live with Steve and the kids in a new (and improved, hehehe ) location but yet the sadness at saying goodbye to your mom and dad. Tears came to my eyes...I really am exited for you, but I also feel the pressure of this quick move and the toll it may have on you and your concerns for the kids.
With God all things are possible!
"Our most Gracious Adonai, I lift up my sister Julianne to you and ask a special blessing on her, Steve and the kids. Go before them in peace and confidence, give them extra doses of strength and organizational abilities. I ask you Father if possible that you would add more hours to her day but give her more hours to sleep than she usually gets. I pray for her kids..that they would give her support and help and that she would be blessed to see that she has trained them well. I pray that understanding would be had by all and emotions would be kept to a minimum.
And dear Lord I ask a special blessing on Levi, that you would create a peace over him that would exceed all human understanding, that you would ahead of time prepare him for the travel and time on the road would fly by with such ease as only You can give. Prepare their new home, prepare their new jobs and give them an even greater faith than they had before this new venture.
We love you Yeshua Messiah,
in Your name we pray,
Amen."
Gina and Laurie:
You two have both been such precious sisters in Christ to me over the past few years. We have prayed together, cried together, and laughed together. You have been with me through some highs and lows in my life.
Right now I have tears cascading down my cheeks. I stand in awe of God that He has blessed me with such precious sisters in Christ. I do not deserve either of you, but I am praising the Lord for both of you!!!
Just knowing you both love me and pray for me gives me that extra RUSH of energy I need to keep going. You are better than a Monster Energy drink (and I have never even tasted one)! You are sweeter than cinnamon apple dumpling sauce!
Thank you and blessings to both of you. I love you too!
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