The Dance of Romance: Love and Respect in Marriage Part 2

Part 2: "Be Transformed!"

You probably heard about the newlyweds. On their honeymoon, the groom took his bride by the hand and said, "Now that we're married, dear, I hope you won't mind if I mention a few little defects that I've noticed about you."

"Not at all," the bride replied with a deceptive sweetness. "It was those little defects that kept me from getting a better husband."

We chuckle at that, but that is what tends to happen to most of us after we are married. The love blinders come off and the magnifying glasses go on. We start noticing our spouse’s shortcomings. Apparently, we need to point it out to them and correct their errant ways. Surely, they will be grateful to us and come around to our way of thinking!

With that said, we will start with one of my mistakes. I was under the impression that all people had the same notions about love and romance. In other words, whatever made me feel loved surely would make my husband feel respected. In our culture, we do not teach respect for authority. In fact, it is difficult to find respect exemplified. I thought respect was good manners. Check that one off my list. I had respect mastered…or so I thought.

I confess I am a bit of a romantic. At least my concept of what romance is about. On occasion, I am compelled to write my hubby a poem or create some other gesture that seems to echo romance to me.

I have spent Valentine’s Day unwrapping chocolate kisses and typed out new sayings that are personalized memories or words of affection between my hubby and me. I then painstakingly rewrap every kiss with the new papers emblazoned with little hearts. After that, I glue the bottom of each Hershey’s kiss to a heart shape card. Can you imagine it? To me, this spells out romance. However, with no intention of hurting me, somehow, I doubt that card meant as much to my hubby as it would have meant to me if I had been the recipient. Dr. Gary Chapman would call it different love languages!

Each person is unique. If you truly want to be a romantic, you have to recognize what your spouse perceives as your love or respect for them. Perhaps it truly is not the same thing to individuals with paradigmatic views. Stephen Covey first helped me understand that we all see things through different paradigms, our lenses from our past. Our history does affect each of us as it builds upon our distinctive characteristics.

While I am not a proponent of secular psychology, I do know that apart from Christ, our past seems to affect everything we say or do. Only through a life submitted to Christ do we align our views with His. “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:2 NKJV

In our created gender roles, a wife yearns for love and a husband craves respect. Thus, the Lord commanded the married couple to cleave to each other. The wife is to respect her husband and the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. However, demanding or manipulating these needs is doomed to failure.

I struggled for years to understand what RESPECT entailed from a wife to a husband. One day, I felt prompted to ask my husband a series of questions trying to understand what would make him feel respected and disrespected by me.

This was not easy. Naturally, I would prefer to tell him what I wanted from him, not seek what he wanted from me. I also dreaded hearing his list that I knew I probably could never fulfill. Moreover, I was right. I could not live up to the simple list. However, surrendered to the Lord and seeking to have His heart, God through me can do exceedingly above all that I thought possible. “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.” Ephesians 3:20 NKJV

Please join us Monday for Part 3: "A Gentle and Quiet Spirit in Me?"

(The Dance of Romance: Love and Respect in Marriage is a multi-part series sharing the challenging lessons I am learning about marriage, respect, love, and romance. My heart's prayer is the Lord may be glorified in my marriage and yours too!)